Interlude 1

Well, looks like I'm clearing Fort Benning. Ish. Just wanted to drop a note in case anyone IS actually checking this out, I haven't given up! I will finish this blog eventually, just had a case of writers block that I need to simply get over and post. So more to follow soon, more for myself then for anyone reading. I've realized that having this as a semi-suspense forces me to think back to RS, which in turn reminds me that it was only through prayer that I'm home right now with a tab. This has been a very important reminder, because with all the distractions of normal life it's really easy to lose sight of the gains made the three months I was gone. So that said, more to follow soon! Thanks for checking.
JS

04-13 New Heights (4 Feb 2013)

 Most of RAP week is sitting around, or when not “sitting” atleast hanging out and getting “smoked” (doing physical activity) by the RIs. Dueto the physical nature of the events they space them out. So our second eventof the first day, the Combat Water Survival Assessment (CWSA) wasn’t untillater in the afternoon. That meant we got breakfast in the chow hall and LOTsof “sitting around.” In the afternoon, which was cloudy and cool, we formed upand jogged the mile or so (not sure how far it actually is) down to the pond. Iran in the back with a buddy of mine, another older prior enlisted guy, and inno small way greatly anticipated the upcoming task. I don’t have a problem withwater, even though freezing cold water is not really my favorite place to hangout. No, my problem I must confess is that I’m an Airborne Ranger who’s scaredof heights. Yup. Terrified. So the shaking in my knees before climbing thethirty foot ladder to the balance beam was actually mostly attributed to allthe images screaming through my head of looking down at the water and fallingoff. To make it even better we had to negotiate the first obstacle, walk acrossthe beam, step up on to a two-step box and back down the other side and finishwalking across the beam with a natural stride while looking unafraid. To methat seems like a great opportunity for subjective translation, and I was justas afraid that an RI would make me do it again as I was I would fall off. Afterthe beam one was expected to climb up on to a horizontal rope and pull, handover hand, 10 or so feet out to a wooden Ranger tab. From there the victim isto hang free, palms back in a chin-up fashion, and request permission to drop.If the indifferent RI on the ground is feeling generous, or even paying enoughattention to hear, then he may likely grant permission at which point the dupefalls 30+ feet in to freezing water. Fun right? Especially for a wimp like mewho, again, is petrified by heights.

Needless to say, I did a lot more praying that first day.When we arrived at the CWSA site they put us in bleachers for a demonstration,so we KNEW how bad this thing was going to suck. Then they lined us up likecattle for the slaughter, in ranks with our backs to the pond but close enoughto hear the thud/splash as Rangers went before us. I was about halfway in the s-foldformation so I had what was at least an eternity if not a lifetime tocontemplate my decision to come to RS, join the Infantry, or walk away from anice comfy life in academia doing math problems. Surprisingly, though, as mytime neared I felt less and less like I was readying to climb the gallows. Infact, as I stepped up to climb the ladder a jolt of calm/courage (two differentthings, I’ll try and better ID/define them through the course of this blog)came through me. As I mounted the ladder and climbed I felt… prepared. And whileI was NERVOUS at the top, I was not terrified. I made it across with noproblem, got on the rope, got permission to drop (the RI didn’t seem to know Iwas even there until I yelled at him) and plummeted in to the freezing waterwithout incident. In fact, the biggest problem I ran in to was almost drinkingthe entire pond as I sucked in from shock of just how COLD that pond was!

 Coming up for air wasin some way like coming out of the baptismal pool. I felt… well I felt COLD,but I also felt rejuvenated. I had just been carried through my greatest fear,and if at any point I had a doubt that God would be with me on this crazyjourney it was gone. I knocked out the equipment ditch and swim (again, fine inwater just don’t like heights) then hopped out and grabbed the zip-linehandle/bar-and-wheel-thingy (official nomenclature I’m sure) prior to joggingup to the tower. I’m pretty sure the recycle working that station thought I waseither nuts or having fun or both, if only I could have told him! My prayers asI mounted the stairs, having completed the same three cycle sequence, wheretotally of thanksgiving. The next, and final, event was a 70ish (?) foot zip-lineback in to the drink. I learned another valuable lesson. The prayer cycle wasnot one way. I could easily, and did then, go from “thanksgiving” back to “petition”as easily as stepping up and being told to dry off my hands and get ready tostep off. Yet again I was amazed at the peace God gave me as I mounted thatcrazy contraption, and on the way down I looked around and took the time toreally bask in His glory: it was amazing! Unfortunately I’d been so busypraying for help in dealing with heights I’d forgotten to ask for a little helpwith the sudden stop at the end. I wasn’t injured in any way, but I certainlyknew that had I not let go the alterative would have REALLY hurt.

 After getting out ofthe water I was faced with another important lesson, one I wouldn’t fullyrealize or try and verbalize until much later (like mountains and swamps), butthe fact is even when cold and wet (and later tired and really hungry), nomatter WHAT “this too shall pass.” I went straight to the warming tent andchanged and as quickly as I was in a dry uniform I was warm again. That lessonis one that will (hopefully) stay with me for life. From there we munched onMRE lunches and back to Camp Rogers for more waiting around and some briefs. 

(found this pic online: http://www.shadowspear.com/vb/threads/ranger-school-some-photos.3745/)

04-13 Fresh Start, Ready to Go (3-4 Feb 2013)

BACK at Ranger school, but with a new outlook and ready togo. I didn’t know it yet, but I was less than three weeks away from the biggestnews of my life. More on that later! The drop off was somehow… different. Ifelt more prepared and more focused than the first time, and with that morenervous since I really thought I was leaving for a while. One consequence ofthis excitement was less sleep that night and a good rumbling in my stomach onMonday morning. Each time I started worrying about the rest of the school Istopped and asked for peace, and surprisingly found it to varying degrees!

  There were a few thingsI did differently on my second attempt at RS, among which include formatted prayersand a “Rite in the Rain” notebook I call my Motivation Book. In this book,prepared by my amazing wife Kelle, are pictures, prayers, notes and bibleverses all waterproofed with contact paper and packing tape. She left a fewblank pages for me to add any pictures sent to me or to write in motivationalbits picked up on the journey. The book is tan while my normal notebooks wereall green, allowing for easy identification. I kept it in my right shoulderpocket (ACUs) and pulled it out at every chance when I felt homesick (which wasoften, especially at first) or down in any way. I’ll say that as far as worldlytools are concerned, that book was by far the single greatest reason I enduredfor 81 days of Ranger school.

 So I was back at it,armed with a renewed faith and with every tool necessary to succeed. Sunday passed and Monday morning came at me like a freight train. From wake-up until…well, until Thursday really… I maintained a solid stream of prayer. These prayers ranged from reading formatted prayers like the prayer of my patron saint Ignatious to simple pleas of “please God carry me.” Surprisingly enough I found myself praying “Lord, I don’t know what your will is here. I think I’m supposed to be here, or I wouldn’t be, but I don’t know how to get through this. If you want me to do this, please give me the strength.” I also asked,over and over again, for the courage to face a challenge. In hindsight I realize it was often a lack of courage that made the task so crazy, not a lack of strength. Don’t get me wrong, next to most of my buddies I’m no crazy PT stud. I was, however, in pretty good shape and I’d been training specifically for Ranger School (RS) for months. I’d also already, by way of IBOLC,demonstrated the ability to complete all of the RAP week tasks. Since RAP week is the drop point for so many three of the major tasks, RPFT, Land Navigation,and 12-mile ruck must all be completed by Infantry LTs prior to attending RS.So I’d shown the ability. What I needed was the peace of heart that can only come from a solid relationship with God to overcome whatever anxiety was holding me back.

 I realize that not everyone that attends RS is a Christian, so it’s a lofty statement to claim the need for Christ’s peace to achieve the goal. I’m not claiming that EVERYONE needs that to pass RAP week, just that IIIII did. And, considering the statistics, I’d say some others could certainly benefit from it as well.

Coming back on track, I’d found that peace and for the first time realized it when I got down to do push-ups. When I’d attempted in January I knocked out 49 and got up with no problem. When I got down this time I was so worried about the pull-ups that I hit 30 push-ups and realized I was tired! For the first, but certainly not last, time at RS I frantically reached out to God to petition for strength. The prayer here was different: not an “If you will it God” or a thought-out and well prepared “I’d like to pass this.” Instead it was a “Lord help me” from the very center of my being, and knowing my need He replied with a noticeable boost of energy and the remaining push-ups.

 Sit-ups went fine,and I recovered my composure prior to the run. The run was a good time,especially since it gave me a chance to clear my head and pray without a crazy two minute time hack or an RI counting (or worse, NOT counting) over my shoulder. I’d noticed two weeks prior, while doing the “mini-RAP week” for HHC(where they certified LTs to go to RS) that when I prayed while running I ran faster,easier, and felt more fulfilled by the prayer. Don’t get me wrong: I was a little over 200 lbs (standing a whomping 68 inches, or 5’ 8”) and running is NOT my favorite pastime. Running, however, had taken on a new face when I learned that for me it’s a great time to meditate, or in other words, pray. So not only was the run a breeze, but it gave me a chance to really overcome the anxiety I felt in facing the scary pull-up monster once again.

 Funny thing happened on the pull-ups that morning. They weren’t hard. AT ALL. In fact, I knocked them out really quick, looked down at my RI (who was growing impatient) and asked “am I good?” to which he smirked “yeah.” If I wasn’t so excited I probably would have asked “are you sure?”, but I chose to dismount and run away before he could change his mind.

This brings about the final prayer piece for what carried me through RS. As important as mentally and emotionally preparing myself via prayerful meditation, or the miraculous aid that came at times of hasty petitions, was the prayer of thanksgiving after realizing that I alone would not have accomplished a task. I’m not saying God only helps those that say “Thank-you sir for bailing me out.” In fact, I think the prayers of thanksgiving were more for my piece of mind, a “no free lunch” type thing, but I think they were just as important none the less.

So in conclusion, I made it through the RPFT and crossed what was for me my “decisive point” of RAP week. I prayed to prepare myself,prayed when I was in over my head, and prayed in thanksgiving when I moved forward. Finally, I found out after coming home that I also had an amazing group of folks praying for me; prayers which, I'm certain, had a direct impact on my daily existence. This prayer basis, and the faith behind it, would become the foundation of every success I had while attending the RTB school for boys, and God willing will continue to be the foundation of my life from here on out. 

03-13: False Start New Beginnings (06 Jan 2013)

  Ouch. After months of preparation in the Infantry Basic Officer Leadership Course (IBOLC) and beyond I didn't even make it 24 hours at Ranger school (RS). In fact, I didn't even make it “in” to RS by virtue of “RAP” week, or the Ranger Assessment Phase. I knew what to expect, was (I thought) physically and mentally prepared, and by all means probably should have been at least more successful. But lo, I arrived and failed the RPFT by one pull-up. It was embarrassing to say the least.

  We reported on Sunday, sat around all day, and got assigned to our companies. I was assigned to B Co for both my short stay in January and my return in February. Wake-up Monday was early, like 0400ish, and a banana and some water prepared us for the push-up event. For many it’s the push-ups that provide a challenge, since while there is only one standard the Ranger Instructors (RIs) are infamous for just how strictly they adhere to that standard. I actually didn't have any trouble reaching the 49 push-ups, or the 59 sit-ups, or even the 5 mile run in under 40 minutes. After a brief cool down from the run we lined up behind a set of pull-up bars. Behind the bars we could see the “Malvesti” obstacle course and all the fun that offered. I stepped up, said a quick (rather insincere) prayer, and mounted the bar. Two attempts later I was in the drop formation with the rest of the RPFT no-gos heading home. I’m not sure if I was intimidated by the challenges ahead, if I had a tough grader (unlikely; I think they were both fair), or if perhaps I was not meant to pass.

  Calling my wife, who at the time was at a spouses club meeting, and telling her I failed was humbling. What I didn't expect was three weeks of mostly light duty and time to prepare. I worked out a lot, did pull-ups every day, and kept a decent enough diet. I also had the opportunity to spend time with my wife and enjoy life, the fortunate consequence of which I’ll discuss later. Most importantly, in terms of spiritual health, was the chance to sit with the local priest and discuss why I should attend RS. That’s right; you read correctly, “why” I should attend. I realized, during my brief furlough, that I really didn't know why I wanted a tab other than because I am an Infantry officer and am supposed to have one. What I gathered from the padre was that in RS I had an opportunity to both grow my individual faith and to possibly even help others grow in theirs. I suddenly had an undeniably solid “why.” On my return to RS in February I resolved to remain prayerful and focused on spiritual growth and if at any time I could find no other motivation I would petition God for help.